Say Love (Lost & Found #2) Read online

  Caleb’s brightened our lives so much, by just being in it. It’s why I wish like hell that kiss didn’t do anything for me, but it did. I can still feel his fingers in my hair, making me crave his touch again.

  Every time I’m with Caleb, I try to ignore it, the undeniable attraction I feel whenever around him. The reason I give him such a tough time is because I’m afraid I’ll bend. I don’t want to break the rules. I’ve done an okay job following them so far.

  Rules exist to warn us of a consequential outcome. Those who break them are punished. Those who abide by them remain blissfully ignorant. It all comes down to whether the punishment is worth the reward.

  The reward, in my case, would be a night with Caleb. Who I’ve always been curious about. I don’t know a single woman on this planet who isn’t curious about him.

  The punishment is Aryn. My impossibly protective brother. Caleb’s best friend.

  But he won’t have to know. I’m just looking to relieve my curiosity. Just once. I would never tell anyone. Caleb sure as hell wouldn’t tell anyone. No one has to know.

  We can get away with this.

  There it is again. I’m bending.

  I blame it on the kiss. That kiss. My gaze drops to his mouth, and it takes everything I have not to beg for another.

  He kissed me, and I liked it. I want more.

  Bending.

  I have an idea. A bad one.

  It may be the worst idea I’ve ever had, or it could be a convenient one. Problem is, it’s risky as hell. Question is, will Caleb agree to it?

  I won’t know unless I try.

  I tuck my clutch under my arm. “I’m over this party. Wanna get out of here?”

  Bent.

  “You want to go home?”

  “No.”

  “Where do you want to go?”

  Caleb always stays at the Four Seasons when he comes to New York. I’ve lived here all my life, but I’ve never been.

  I can’t think of a better place to lose my virginity.

  “To your room.” I hold my hand out in invitation, and Caleb stares at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “Care to get me drunk?”

  “You want to have drinks… in my room? Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to go home yet. Aryn will ask questions. Your room seems like the safest place in the city right now. Am I wrong?”

  He doesn’t hesitate before he answers, “No.”

  I wave the hand I’m still holding out to him, ordering for him to take it, and he stares at it a little while longer.

  I’m about to— We are about to break a rule. A big one.

  It may just end us.

  A look crosses his face, like he’s struggling with his decision.

  Then he takes it.

  The second we step out of the establishment we cross an imaginary line. One with very real consequences.

  Fuck me.

  I’m going to hell.

  I’m walking her to my hotel room.

  I’m going to hell.

  The Royal Suite is as lavish and luxurious as I imagined it would be, complete with its modern finishes and floor-to-ceiling bay windows that provide you with a panoramic view of the city. A place fit for a man as powerful as my best friend.

  My best friend, I repeat silently to myself. Not really. His loyalty lies more with my brother than it does with me. There’s a good chance he won’t go through with this.

  I won’t let that dissuade me.

  Yes, he’s my brother’s best friend. But he’s my friend, too. This could work. Things only get messy when you let your heart in where it doesn’t belong. Mine won’t be. My attraction to Caleb is purely physical. I don’t expect a happily ever after from him. He isn’t the kind of guy you end up with. He’s the kind of guy you hit up when you’re looking for a night of fun, or so I was told.

  I mean no disrespect, because I adore the brute, but it’s the truth. He knows it.

  He owns it.

  A fling. Just sex. That’s all I want. I’m not looking for a commitment, and Caleb… well, the mere idea of the C word terrifies him.

  I know how this looks. I’m not doing this out of hate for Randy. I’ve been looking to do this for a while now, it was just a matter of with who. My virginity has become a burden to me. I’m a healthy, twenty-year-old woman who’s sick of being the clueless one you find seated at the table, while her friends go on and on about their mind-blowing experiences.

  I want one of those, but in order to do that, I have to lose it first. Losing it is the scariest part. It needs to happen with someone I trust.

  Love isn’t something I believe in. It’s just not in the cards for me. So, if I choose to wait for it, I will die a virgin. The world isn’t what it used to be. Waiting for love is like waiting for it to start snowing in hell. Faithful partners are a dying breed. I’m not sure that they even exist, not in our generation, anyway.

  One day, I woke up and decided to face facts. Your virginity is not some gift you give to your soul mate. That’s just a story a mother tells her daughter to prevent her from becoming an uncontrollable whore. A thin sheet of skin is all it is. No one in the world, other than you, should have a say in what happens to it. What I do with my body is my business, and I am ready.

  What I want is the thrill, the rush, the passion, the heat. I never got that with Randy when we used to fool around. I want to know exactly what the hell it is I’ve been missing. I want to know what it feels like to feel the world quake beneath you, teetering on the brink with no desire to be pulled back, craving that free fall into the pit of rainbows and unicorns and orgasms. Blah, blah, blah! I’ve heard about a hundred different versions from all my friends.

  Problem is, I’m not the outgoing, adventurous type. I like to stay within my comfort zone. There’s no chance in hell I’d sleep with some random guy. That requires a solid set of balls that I just don’t have. Caleb is the perfect choice.

  Caleb’s pros: One, he cares about me, so I know he won’t screw me… so to speak. Two, I trust him—sometimes. Well, it depends on the situation. That’s all I need.

  His cons: There aren’t any. You can’t have cons if you have no expectations. The man is famous for ‘hitting and quitting.’ That’s all I want. Literally.

  I’m not dead inside, I swear. As a child, I used to believe in love, back when I was brainwashed to believe that love was everywhere. Then I grew up, and I found out that men cheat, women cheat, we all cheat. This has been proven to me time and time again. So what I know now is that love only exists in fairytales told to unsuspecting children, in romance novels, and in cheesy rom-coms for the gullible demographic.

  Love is for dreamers. I’m a realist. Seven billion people, and you expect me to believe that somewhere in the world is my one true love? Mathematically, that just can’t be right.

  Aryn and Kayli made a rare exception, and a beautiful one at that, but look at what happened to their love. It was taken away from them without warning.

  My version of the cold hard truth is that you have fun for as long as you can—before one of you grows tired of the other—and then you’re done. Then it’s on to the next one.

  Life is too short to sit and pick everything apart, to start asking all the whys. Why didn’t it work? Why couldn’t it work? What did I do wrong? Nothing. It just is the way it is. Thank you for playing, please move it along.

  I’m not saying that you need to agree with my truth, but we’re all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs, right?

  “What are you thinking about?” Caleb’s voice comes from behind me, his arm coming around to hand me a crystal glass of champagne.

  “When did you get this?”

  “You checked out on me for a while there. Room service just delivered our drinks.”

  A guilty smile tips my lips. “Sorry.”

  “Please don’t tell me you were thinking about your cunt of an ex.”

  I laugh from behind my glass, and Caleb hands me a box of tissues to clean my chin up w
ith. “Thank you.” I dab my face. “And no, I wasn’t.”

  Leaning his back against the glass wall behind him, Caleb watches me with a curious look. “What did he say to you at the bar before I walked over?”

  “You mean before you came and kissed me?”

  His mouth pulls into the form of a sheepish smile, and he shrugs. It’s the closest to embarrassed I’ve ever seen him get. I’d find it flattering if I didn’t know better.

  I bring my glass back up, successfully sipping from it this time. “He apologized to me for what he did.”

  Caleb’s eyes narrow at that. “Why? He wants you back?”

  I laugh bitterly. “No. He told me that he’s moving in with the girl he cheated on me with, and that he realizes how devastated he would be if she did anything like that to him.”

  Leaning his head back against the glass, he rolls it toward the center, staring off into space. “I should’ve just hit him.”

  “That isn’t necessary. I told you, I don’t care.”

  “How can you not?”

  “It’s what people do, Caleb. We hurt each other to fulfill our own selfish desires.” I shrug. “So what if I was a stepping-stone? Who is he to me? Nobody.”

  His head rolls back my way. “Good for you, Ari. I like your fuck-you attitude, it’s refreshing.”

  “Thanks, Caleb. I always aim for your approval.” I chuckle into my glass, pouring the rest of what’s left into my mouth.

  I look away, unable to bring myself to look him in the eye. Not when he’s grinning at me the way he is right now. I walk over to set the empty flute down on the surface of a small end table, and I feel his gaze burning a hole against my back.

  Suddenly, I’m crazy nervous. Not enough to make me want to back out, but I just can’t seem to settle the butterfly mess in my stomach.

  “Mind if I step out?” I head over toward the terrace.

  “I’d rather you didn’t. It’s freezing outside…”

  We hurt each other to fulfill our own selfish desires. The guilt tries tearing its way through my head, and now I can’t stop thinking about how wrong this is. Caleb is the furthest thing from a stepping-stone. He’s somebody to me, and to my brother.

  My brother. I’m about to stab him in the back to get what I want, and soon I’ll be asking Caleb to do the same. I will burn in hell for this.

  Some cold air on my face sounds good.

  “I don’t care.” I step out, and he follows me, draping his jacket over my shoulders. “No, take it back, you’ll freeze!”

  “Better I freeze to death than you.” He fixes his jacket around me, holding it closed when I try to fight him.

  Even with his jacket, I’m shivering. “Aren’t you cold?”

  “Yes, I’m fucking freezing. That’s why I asked you to stay inside.”

  This is Caleb. He’d sacrifice an arm if it meant saving me. He won’t let Aryn find out. If he agrees to this, he’ll make sure it stays between us.

  One time won’t hurt anybody. Just as long as the secret dies with us, I remind myself. Easing both my conscience and my nerves.

  With a laugh, I nod my head back toward the doors. “Never mind, then. Let’s just go back inside.”

  When Caleb offers me another drink, I request for something stronger. “Uh, Ari, I don’t know how to make cocktails. I have scotch, vodka, tequila—”

  “Never mind the drink, Caleb. Come sit with me.” I pat the cushion next to me.

  Caleb walks over, stopping to grab the bottle of champagne and the glasses we abandoned earlier. He pours some more of it into my glass and hands it to me.

  “Thank you.” I accept it with a grateful smile. I bring my other hand up to steady my glass. My heart is pounding so hard that I’m shaking.

  “You’re welcome.” He pours some into his own before taking a seat at the corner, leaving a cushion’s worth of distance between us.

  I take a sip from my glass and lick my lips, trying to figure out a way to broach the subject.

  There really is no good way to ask. He’ll be shocked either way.

  “Caleb?”

  “Hmm,” he responds with a hum from behind his crystal flute, and then he lowers it, giving me his undivided attention.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Why did you kiss me?”

  Caleb coughs when some of his champagne goes down the wrong way. Then he pulls at the knot on his tie, loosening it from around his neck. “Because,” he brings a hand up, waving it aimlessly in the air, “the… New Year and shit.”

  “Why’d you look so angry?”

  Nibbling at the inside of his lip when searching for his next lie, Caleb brings his free hand up to scratch the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Ari. I saw Randy, and I snapped.”

  “Why?”

  “I wanted to hurt him.”

  “Yea, I get that. Why?” I ask again.

  “Because he hurt you.”

  “I told you—”

  “But I don’t believe you,” he states. “You say that you’re okay, but I know that you were affected by it somewhat. You’re human, Ari. But, you know what? Be grateful for what he did.”

  My face twists with my confusion. “Grateful?”

  “Sometimes leaving is the best thing a person can do. Sometimes you’re better off,” he says with a faraway look.

  “What do you know about it?”

  “Plenty.”

  “Oh, please, when have you ever been—” I’m cut off before I can finish asking the question.

  “My mother dumped me when I was only three years old.”

  “What?”

  Caleb shakes his head. “A story for another day. Bottom line, Randy dumped you, and I’m telling you that he did you a favor.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  He nods toward my hand. “Drink. I thought you wanted to get drunk.”

  I lean forward and set my glass down on the coffee table. “No, actually, I just said that to get you to bring me here.”

  “And why would you do that?” He drinks from his glass.

  Taking advantage of my in, I come out with it. “I was hoping that I could convince you to have sex with me.”

  Champagne comes flying from Caleb’s mouth, spraying everywhere, most of it landing on me.

  “Fuck, Ari, I’m sorry.” Caleb stands to get me something to dry off with, returning with a towel. “Here.” He holds it out to me. “You okay? I misheard what you said, I’m sorry. I gotta stop doing that. What were you saying?”

  I pat myself dry then set the towel off to the side, speaking in a way for him to better understand. “I asked if you’d fuck me, Caleb. Does that sound like something you can do?”

  Pure shock settles over his face, and he backs away from me, dropping himself onto the one-seater behind him. Far away from me.

  I wait for him to say something. Anything. But he just sits there and stares at me. Stunned. Eyes round, mouth gaping stunned.

  “Caleb? Say something.”

  “Um…” His mouth finally comes to a close. “I just…” He brings his hand up, fingers squeezing down against his temples. “I don’t understand where the hell this is coming from.”

  “Is that necessary? It’s just sex. You have sex all the time.”

  Caleb’s hand lifts from his face. “You are a virgin,” he states his point, emphasizing it with small slicing motions in the air.

  “You said I could come to you for anything.”

  “A job, advice, a ride, babysitting are things that fall under anything. I never expected you to ask me to take your virginity, Ari!”

  “But you’re the only person I trust enough to give it to…”

  For the first time since I’ve known Caleb, he doesn’t have a comeback. His hand comes back over his mouth this time, and he forces his eyes open wider. It’s the longest I’ve ever seen someone go without blinking.

  “Well?”

  Caleb shakes his head from
behind his hand. “No.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t.”

  Well, that’s no good.

  Gathering enough courage I had no idea I possessed, I stand, and his eyes follow me when I walk over to him, then I bring my hand up to undo the knot on my halter. The fabric gives away from my body, pooling at the floor by my feet, and Caleb claps his hand over his eyes.

  “Fucking Christ, Ari!” he shouts blindly. “Put your clothes back on.”

  “When has Caleb Carlisle ever uttered the words ‘I can’t’ when a woman propositions him with sex. Are you kidding me?”

  Stomping his feet in place, Caleb pleads, “I need you to put your clothes back on, please, and then we can talk.”

  “Look at me.”

  “Put your dress back on!”

  I hike my hands on my hips, letting a few moments roll by. “Done.”

  Caleb spreads his fingers to peek, forcing them back together when he sees that I’ve obviously lied to him. “Sweet Jesus.”

  “You brought me back to your room, Caleb,” I state, accusing. “Honestly, what did you think was going to happen?”

  Finally, Caleb drops his hand, rising to his feet. “Honestly? I came to meet you tonight with every intention of telling you about the shit I’ve been dealing with lately. I was expecting a kiss at midnight, at most. Then, when you asked me to bring you here, I thought there could be some heavy petting, over-the-clothes shit, but I was sure that was pushing it. Now, you throw this in my face! Forgive me for feeling a bit blindsided by this, Ari, but what the actual fuck?”

  “Over the clothes?” My face twists at the thought. “Wow, a night with Caleb Carlisle sure isn’t what I expected it would be.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Word through the grapevine is that you are this huge sex God, but I must say, this is fucking lame!”

  Caleb points with a look of warning. “Watch yourself. What the hell is the matter with you?”

  “Oh, all of a sudden something’s the matter with me because I want to have sex with my best friend?”